I haven’t purchased shampoo or soap in 20 years! I use the little bottles and bars in the hotels where I stay on teaching trips and bring home the leftovers. I decant the shampoo into my personal shampoo bottle at home and mold the slightly used bars onto whatever is currently in the shower soap dish. (This is how I am able to afford my extravagant lifestyle.)
Recently one particular hotel chain has gotten cute, no doubt some idiotic marketing ploy. Instead of calling the shampoo, ah… SHAMPOO, they call it something else. That was my problem. I couldn’t figure out what they called it.
I thought I’d be OK when I identified the soap. The label said “cleanse.” It was obviously soap. The bar shape gave it away and I could see through the wrapper. I threw the soap in the shower and turned on the water. OK, we’re on a roll.
The three things in the back of the plastic “SimplySmart” display I figured out by process of elimination: COVER, MEND, and SHINE. SHINE must be for shoes. MEND is a foreign concept, but I could feel a needle and some thread inside so that must be for piecing or applique if the TSA agents confiscate your sewing kit at the airport. COVER is a shower cap. (Hint: wash your hair and save the clear plastic shower cap to cover leftovers from dinner after you get home. You can see through it and the elastic around the edge keeps the food from falling off the plate in the refrigerator.)
So far, so good. Standing on the top shelf of the newly christened “SimplyStupid” display were four bottles containing liquid, one of which was surely SHAMPOO. Here the labels were of no use whatever SCRUB, WASH, TAME, and SOFTEN.
SOFTEN had to be hand cream. Excuse me, lotion. La-dee-dah. One down; three to go. Mind you, I’m standing in the bathroom bare naked (except for my glasses) wanting desperately to just get in the shower and move forward with my day, but I don’t know which one is the shampoo. I don’t know what the heck TAME is supposed to be. Cream rinse? Also known as “conditioner?” Could be… I don’t use that, so its out of the equation.
I’m down to two: SCRUB and WASH. Interchangeable. Who is the moron who thought this up?! What was left? Shampoo and what, body wash? Or something else? Mouthwash? Do I WASH my hair and SCRUB my body? Or am I supposed to SCRUB my hair and WASH my body?! Guess it depends which is dirtier? I don’t know; is this a trick question?!
In desperation I rooted through my cosmetic case and found an old, nearly dead bottle of SHAMPOO and I used it. Thank goodness I did.
The aroma infused CLEANSE (soap) smelled so strongly of cinnamon that had I used the matching scented SHAMPOO and/or BODY WASH / MOUTHWASH / EYEGLASS CLEANER I would have smelled like a Cinnabon all day long.
Note to hoteliers: Can we get back to basics? PLEASE? SOAP, SHAMPOO, CONDITIONER, LOTION work just fine. And make the letters big and black. So I can read them without my glasses on. And a reference point for the visually challenged behind the curtain would be a great idea too. I get in there sans glasses and the white tub melts into the white walls which melts into the white shower curtain. I can’t see a thing. A person could kill themselves in your hotel. Can you paint the walls a different color maybe?
And while I’m at it, stop folding the ends of the toilet paper. It stopped being “classy” as soon as I realized somebody had to get their fingers all over the toilet paper to get it that way. Major ick.